Unhappy? Try a both/and balm

Have you ever felt unhappy?

Duh, right? Of course you have. That’s part of the human experience.

We all hit unhappy terrain as we navigate the landscape of life. And when we do, it can be really tempting to condemn it (“this is wrong!”), push it down, or push it away.

Sometimes that might work, but more often it just gets us more stuck and feeling more constricted.

Both/and balm

In this post, I want to share some thoughts on what I described yesterday as a both/and approach. Think of it as a “both/and balm” to both help ease the pain and make space to move in a positive direction.

Both/and in this case means both acknowledging and accepting your current state and recognizing the possibility of moving in a positive direction.

When you acknowledge and accept the current unhappiness – without fighting it or making it wrong – you open the door to engaging that unhappiness in a helpful way, rather than shoving it down, beating yourself up, or running away from it.

You open the door to giving yourself what you need in the moment.

And when you recognize the possibility of moving in a positive direction, you leave the door open to making positive changes without getting mired down in how you currently feel.

What do you need right now?

In my last post I divided the human experience into four super-broad categories – Happy, Neutral, Flat, and Unhappy.

When we need to navigate “unhappy” (and to a certain extent, “flat” as well), rather than clenching our teeth and trying to get back to happy as fast as we can, it can be helpful to apply a lens of three progressive questions to help determine what is actually needed first.

The idea is to look at each item from the list below and inquire, “Is this what needs my attention?”

Ask yourself if you need to:

• Do no harm: This is like stopping the bleeding first. Examples might include learning to be kinder to yourself, intervening when the inner critic wants to bludgeon you, or dialing down drinking (or binge eating, or any one of a thousand things we do that ultimately make matters worse) as a coping mechanism.
• Provide solace: This can actually be done in tandem with reducing the self-inflicted harm (I put do no harm first because sometimes you really do just need to stop the bleeding, but in reality, this one also supports and reinforces those efforts). This might be practicing self-compassion (if I could wish you one single superpower, that would be it), or reaching out to others for support.

Notice that neither of those first two are about getting anywhere. They are simply about finding a way to feel less unnecessary pain in the moment and even finding a way to love yourself a little more in the process. That’s all part of giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are.

But at some point, it’s time for movement in a positive direction. Which brings us to…

• Create positive movement: That might be taking action on making a positive change. Or it could be developing a positive practice like meditation or gratitude journaling. It might entail consciously adding positive elements to your life (like a weekly hobby night where you give yourself permission to just do something you love). Or it might mean recognizing the need to change the story you tell about your situation to change how you experience it.

Try this: If you are currently navigating some unhappy landscape in your life, look at it through the lens of those three questions (and if life feels pretty good right now, look back and pick a time when that’s where you were and use that as a case study to explore).

Identify which of those three stages needs your attention. Then ask yourself, “What one thing can I do?”

If do no harm is calling for more attention, maybe you can work on reducing the critical self-talk. Or reduce or stop the unhelpful coping habits you’re engaging in.

If it’s provide solace, maybe you can explore how to practice greater self-compassion (this talk by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff is a good place to start) or reach out to a friend for support.

If it’s create positive movement, ask yourself what one thing you can do to start making positive change and moving in the right direction.

Wherever you are and whatever you decide you need, the key to taking a both/and approach is to recognize that the challenging parts of the landscape are a natural and inevitable part of the human adventure. They’re not unusual, or a sign that you are somehow flawed. They’re just a natural part of life.

And while they may never be not-uncomfortable, you can learn to navigate them with greater ease.