Stop trying to be your best self (and do this instead)

If there is one piece of personal development advice I would gladly chuck out the window if I were the Emperor of All That Is, it’s this:

“Be your best self!”

Why does that grate on me so much?

Two reasons.

First, it’s an imaginary state – it doesn’t exist! You will never be your best self. Not because you possess an above average amount of suckitude, but because there will always be room for improvement. There will always be room to evolve and grow.

Which brings me to the second, more toxic reason I dislike the exhortation to be our best selves. When we inevitably have a messy, imperfect human moment, too often people interpret that as failure to live up to that ideal.

“All those beautiful people there on Instagram are being their best selves, but look at what a fuck-up I am! I just _____ (fill in the blank with however you just managed to fall short).”

When we try to be that imaginary best self identity, we’re setting ourselves up to fail.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t see the value in best-self thinking. I do.

But in my mind, an infinitely more useful concept of best self is about access, not identity. Rather than some unachievable identity to aspire to, it centers around a best-self treasure chest that you gradually gain more and more access to.

As you aspire and try and fail and succeed and learn and grow – the full spectrum of experience – it creates an ever-expanding access to the best-self resources in that treasure chest.

There is no falling short in this perspective, because the treasure chest has infinitely more in it than you could discover even with multiple lifetimes. The approach sets you up for a bottomless well of discovery and learning.

Here is a smattering of the kinds of things that can uncover those best-self resources.

Self-awareness: Self-awareness, about, say, what energizes and engages you, how you get in your own way, or understanding where a negative over-reaction is really coming from, is an on-ramp for building on what’s working and navigating what’s not.

Habits: Our habits are the autopilot system for the life we create. Every beneficial habit we create contributes to shaping our life for the better.

Learning new skills: Every new skill you learn – whether that is learning how to more skillfully have difficult conversations, or better understanding how to exercise your body for optimal fitness – opens doors.

Developing practices: Similar to habits and skills, developing regular helpful practices (like meditation, or gratitude journaling) can support your ability to thrive.

Taking stretch action: Your brain is a growth machine. Every time you take action outside your comfort zone, it’s a recipe for learning, growth, and an evolution from where you started.

Sculpting self-perception: We all have stories about ourselves. Some of those stories are helpful. Others, not so much. When we consciously work to shape how we perceive ourselves, changing the limiting self-perceptions and building on the positive self-perceptions, it changes what we do, how we do it, what we see as possible for us, how we interact with people, and more.

Changing your conversation with yourself: How we talk to ourselves plays a big role in the best self treasure we can reach. A change here could be, for example, moving from habitual self-criticism to a supportive, self-compassionate response.

Sculpting your perception of the world around you: As with self-perception, we all have stories about the world around us. Some of those stories feed a sense of potential and possibility, while others present us with a limiting brick wall. Those stories are malleable and subject to change.

Try this: Pick one of the areas outline above (or come up with your own – this was just a sampler of the possibilities). Then brainstorm ways you could take a step in that direction.

If it is habits, ask what habits could have a positive impact. If it’s sculpting self-perception, make a laundry list of possible ways of seeing yourself you would like to adopt and reinforce.

Once you have created a treasure-hunting menu to choose from, pick one thing and take a step. Explore it. Try and fail. Try and succeed. Learn and keep applying what you’ve learned.

Unpack the treasure you discover, then do it all over again.